Bye to spring.
Date is 23/09/2021. Finished this September with the little spark of happiness inside me.
Left a scar on my skin, trying to avoid how beautiful it looks. Somewhere inside my brain keeps telling me to have more scars, trying to avoid my thoughts. Trying to run away from my inner child, i know that i cant hurt them, too young for realising the truth.
Keep saying to myself that I can solve this feeling inside me which feels like breaking down into chaos. Drugs are in my veins trying to run away from my body. Woke up in the same hospital room again. I see that he left me his old guitar. I take the dusty guitar into my hands, I play with its fine strings even though I don't know how it's played. Trying to avoid every single song for a couple of days.
Realizing when I look at the clock that it's praying time. I am down on my knees, praying for everyone except myself.
Want to go back to my childhood, when things were good, when we were all happy, when we were all together. I can't stop myself from missing those times, even if I know that I can't bring back those days. Looking at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes tell me to let them go, can't say sorry, can't say a word, I just have to keep them with me. Stayed quiet for 15 minutes looking at myself. A thought came out of blue. I am nothing without them.
It is funny how I try to solve every feeling inside me, but can't find a solution for it. What about others, how do they cope with their thoughts and feelings? What is their secret, or are they acting like I do, trying to show the good side to every person I look in the eye. What about others? Are they avoiding looking into people's eyes, are they running away from everyone but themselves. So many questions bothering my head again, my fingers are dancing on the keyboard but the funny thing is I really don't know what I am typing.
I thought of a song, a song whose lyrics affected me a lot [one side of ours is shedding leaves, one side is spring garden] Which side am I this month? Am I shedding leaves? Or am I a spring garden? There is no answer, no one can know about this. Maybe I will be back when I find an answer for this question. Maybe I will not find an answer, or I will forget about this question. We all don't know what is going to happen. Read my new book this month, it took me 2 days to finish. I am happy for Lily and Atlas. They deserve happiness. They are finally happy. When am I going to be happy? When is my dad going to put a real smile on his face? When will my mom stop fighting over small things? We don't know the answer to this question either.
See you soon dear friend. Sorry for keeping you here, wasting your time. I am going now. I will try to come back with answers next time, will you let me in when I come back to your door?
These are the books I have read this month, I hope you enjoy reading them